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Trials and tribulations

 Oh my Allah, I left this blog behind for so long. It is both saddening and joyful to read at this moment. It reminds me of my past life so much and I am glad I still have this blog. I have shut down my Facebook and Instagram accounts because he said he hates the fact that I shared his pictures on the social media. Because I was desperate to cling on the title of an obedient wife, I obeyed even though deep inside I knew that it wont change his mind anyway. Oh my Allah, I wish I could write more. The world has changed 180 degrees since my last entry. Maybe I should summarize it in bullet points like my thesis ;-)

1. Report duty after I finished my master degree. 

2. Brief life in Kuantan. 

3. My PhD journey and all the depressive episodes. 

4. My comebacks (plural because I thought I have hit rock bottom again and again). 

5. The philosophy maze. 

6. The hectic data collection phase. 

7. Meeting old friends (at the hospitals) and new friends (workshops and seminars and coaching circles). 

8. The pandemic storm. End of my marriage. 

There you go. Till next time.

Limelight

I made a mistake in my calculations. Now i cant erase it back. I wish i could burn it down without an audience. Its disgraceful contents is wide open for all to see.
I told him my concerns. He ignored. Ok its totally unfair. He did listened. But that is just about all he could do. I would like to see him try to be in my shoes. I bet he cant even bear it for 1 day. Because i am strong. And he is weak.

Thankuformakingmefeellikeabitchasthoughihadntrealizethatiambecomingapainineverybodysasses.

How could I?

I havent finished mourning my stupidity, then i received a call from my husband saying that he couldnt be home this week. Home? We have no home. I had just texted him yesterday , that it has been 86 days since we last became a complete and whole as a family. Since we can call ourselves a family at home.
I cried again. This time it is because of my dysfunctional family. How could i deprived my children off their mother and father. How could i put my husband through all these nonsense. If enrolling this master programe is the right thing to do, why does it feels so wrong?
Then all the 'if's start to pour in.
If only they let me continue working in icu instead of shuffling me to that bloody medical ward.
If only i had all the money in the world.
If only i pushed away the thought of becoming a nurse specialist.
If only i have not come across the term 'gentle parenting'.
If only i have not been so..... me.
I feel the weight of my sins at my back. I feel so ungrateful. I hate myself more and more. If a cruel word indeed.
I continue crying.
I dont know when i will stop.
It will have to stop eventually.
Because i have loads of assignments to do.
Because i will reach my children in a couple of hours.
Because i have Allah to listen to my wails even though i am not sure if i am worthy enough to be consorted by Him.
All i need to know is He is there. No matter what.

Test and trust

I deeply believe that my children are the jewels entrusted to me by Allah. They are pure, precious and sinless. It is my biggest mission to protect them with my life.
Some people say parenting is like learning to swim and get drowned at the same time. True indeed.
I am so afraid that my goal to get a master degree is harming them. Selfish, some might cruelly say. You dont know how much that word torn me.
If its up to me, I would give up everything and be there all the time. However, our financial status gets in the way. Honestly, we are to be blamed for being tactless in managing it in the early days of our marriage. Lesson learnt. The best thing is, we would not learnt that fact if we were not blessed with them. Allah is The Best of All Planners.
With that being said, the plan to get the master and doctoral degrees is like shooting two birds with one stone. Its not only fulfilled my dream, it will also provide us with the financial means to raise our children.
I just pray that it will not be too late.
Pray, pray, pray.
I pray Allah will help us along the way.
The prayers are endless.
I pray that my children are not affected along the way.
I pray that they will understand.
I pray for their health.
I pray that I am capable of educating them.
I pray that my husband and I are blessed intellectually, spritually, physically, financially for this trust.

Lullaby

Everybody says it was good to have two children with two years between them. But nobody warns me that a two-and-half-years-old demands as much attention as a newborn.

The tantrums (the boys' and mine) are overwhelming. Its all enough to drive a sensible healthy human being to the end of his/her wits. So dont mention the impact of our mess to the sick. The guilt of making Abah sicker, in turn, overwhelms me. A lot.

There are ups and downs in this whole experience. Like they say, motherhood is like swimming and learning to swim at the same time. There are days where I drowned. There are days where I survived.

So I savoured all the little pieces of achievements. My patience is at a new record-breaking level. My love continues to bloom. My faith mends itself. Some days I do shine.

Although I convinced myself that I screw up most of the time, there was one particular moment when I knew that I must have done something right. All morning my eldest son managed to keep his pants dry. It was rainy and cold that afternoon so the temperature was good for snuggles. So snuggle we did. All three of us on the bed singing:

     Tepuk amai-amai belalang kupu-kupu
     Tepuk Anas/Firas pandai nanti malam upah susu
     Susu lemak manis santan kelapa muda
     Anas/Firas jangan nangis mama pergi kerja
     Bila dapat duit beli proton saga
     Boleh kita jalan ke kota Melaka

Since I was small I always thought this lullaby is a sad song. Proton saga and kota Melaka were supposed to bring happiness, but I only hear 'jangan nangis mama pergi kerja'. I saw everyone is happy while singing it, so i keep it to myself. Until that moment when i saw his eyes were red and glistening, I remembered the sadness I felt. He must have felt the same way I did. My heart cried too. Again. After all of these years. It proves that he is truly part of me. He understands. But he is only two years old. How could he understands such a complicated feeling. But he felt it anyway. My heart cried and cried. I know my heart will break when 'mama pergi kerja' time comes. And his too. How could I convinced myself that I had done something right only to screw it all up again. How could I? 

All in all, this is one of the many moments I wanted to put in writing. There are more to come. Hope this motherhood thing will let me write again.