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Trials and tribulations

 Oh my Allah, I left this blog behind for so long. It is both saddening and joyful to read at this moment. It reminds me of my past life so much and I am glad I still have this blog. I have shut down my Facebook and Instagram accounts because he said he hates the fact that I shared his pictures on the social media. Because I was desperate to cling on the title of an obedient wife, I obeyed even though deep inside I knew that it wont change his mind anyway. Oh my Allah, I wish I could write more. The world has changed 180 degrees since my last entry. Maybe I should summarize it in bullet points like my thesis ;-)

1. Report duty after I finished my master degree. 

2. Brief life in Kuantan. 

3. My PhD journey and all the depressive episodes. 

4. My comebacks (plural because I thought I have hit rock bottom again and again). 

5. The philosophy maze. 

6. The hectic data collection phase. 

7. Meeting old friends (at the hospitals) and new friends (workshops and seminars and coaching circles). 

8. The pandemic storm. End of my marriage. 

There you go. Till next time.

Limelight

I made a mistake in my calculations. Now i cant erase it back. I wish i could burn it down without an audience. Its disgraceful contents is wide open for all to see.
I told him my concerns. He ignored. Ok its totally unfair. He did listened. But that is just about all he could do. I would like to see him try to be in my shoes. I bet he cant even bear it for 1 day. Because i am strong. And he is weak.

Thankuformakingmefeellikeabitchasthoughihadntrealizethatiambecomingapainineverybodysasses.

How could I?

I havent finished mourning my stupidity, then i received a call from my husband saying that he couldnt be home this week. Home? We have no home. I had just texted him yesterday , that it has been 86 days since we last became a complete and whole as a family. Since we can call ourselves a family at home.
I cried again. This time it is because of my dysfunctional family. How could i deprived my children off their mother and father. How could i put my husband through all these nonsense. If enrolling this master programe is the right thing to do, why does it feels so wrong?
Then all the 'if's start to pour in.
If only they let me continue working in icu instead of shuffling me to that bloody medical ward.
If only i had all the money in the world.
If only i pushed away the thought of becoming a nurse specialist.
If only i have not come across the term 'gentle parenting'.
If only i have not been so..... me.
I feel the weight of my sins at my back. I feel so ungrateful. I hate myself more and more. If a cruel word indeed.
I continue crying.
I dont know when i will stop.
It will have to stop eventually.
Because i have loads of assignments to do.
Because i will reach my children in a couple of hours.
Because i have Allah to listen to my wails even though i am not sure if i am worthy enough to be consorted by Him.
All i need to know is He is there. No matter what.

Test and trust

I deeply believe that my children are the jewels entrusted to me by Allah. They are pure, precious and sinless. It is my biggest mission to protect them with my life.
Some people say parenting is like learning to swim and get drowned at the same time. True indeed.
I am so afraid that my goal to get a master degree is harming them. Selfish, some might cruelly say. You dont know how much that word torn me.
If its up to me, I would give up everything and be there all the time. However, our financial status gets in the way. Honestly, we are to be blamed for being tactless in managing it in the early days of our marriage. Lesson learnt. The best thing is, we would not learnt that fact if we were not blessed with them. Allah is The Best of All Planners.
With that being said, the plan to get the master and doctoral degrees is like shooting two birds with one stone. Its not only fulfilled my dream, it will also provide us with the financial means to raise our children.
I just pray that it will not be too late.
Pray, pray, pray.
I pray Allah will help us along the way.
The prayers are endless.
I pray that my children are not affected along the way.
I pray that they will understand.
I pray for their health.
I pray that I am capable of educating them.
I pray that my husband and I are blessed intellectually, spritually, physically, financially for this trust.

Lullaby

Everybody says it was good to have two children with two years between them. But nobody warns me that a two-and-half-years-old demands as much attention as a newborn.

The tantrums (the boys' and mine) are overwhelming. Its all enough to drive a sensible healthy human being to the end of his/her wits. So dont mention the impact of our mess to the sick. The guilt of making Abah sicker, in turn, overwhelms me. A lot.

There are ups and downs in this whole experience. Like they say, motherhood is like swimming and learning to swim at the same time. There are days where I drowned. There are days where I survived.

So I savoured all the little pieces of achievements. My patience is at a new record-breaking level. My love continues to bloom. My faith mends itself. Some days I do shine.

Although I convinced myself that I screw up most of the time, there was one particular moment when I knew that I must have done something right. All morning my eldest son managed to keep his pants dry. It was rainy and cold that afternoon so the temperature was good for snuggles. So snuggle we did. All three of us on the bed singing:

     Tepuk amai-amai belalang kupu-kupu
     Tepuk Anas/Firas pandai nanti malam upah susu
     Susu lemak manis santan kelapa muda
     Anas/Firas jangan nangis mama pergi kerja
     Bila dapat duit beli proton saga
     Boleh kita jalan ke kota Melaka

Since I was small I always thought this lullaby is a sad song. Proton saga and kota Melaka were supposed to bring happiness, but I only hear 'jangan nangis mama pergi kerja'. I saw everyone is happy while singing it, so i keep it to myself. Until that moment when i saw his eyes were red and glistening, I remembered the sadness I felt. He must have felt the same way I did. My heart cried too. Again. After all of these years. It proves that he is truly part of me. He understands. But he is only two years old. How could he understands such a complicated feeling. But he felt it anyway. My heart cried and cried. I know my heart will break when 'mama pergi kerja' time comes. And his too. How could I convinced myself that I had done something right only to screw it all up again. How could I? 

All in all, this is one of the many moments I wanted to put in writing. There are more to come. Hope this motherhood thing will let me write again.

Priority, priority

I know all the trials and tribulence are sent to keep me a humble servant of Allah SWT. I pray that the difficulties also come with His Divine Help and Guidance otherwise I'll be totally broken and lost.

(In the light of the coming age of 30, I remembered my vow on a master's degree. It is sad to realize that it most likely to never come true. Yet I am blessed with the status of a wife and a mother by Allah SWT, I know I'll be more devastated if I betray the huge Amanah entrusted by Him The All-Knowing.)

Unfair

Sometimes its just pissed me off when he finds a little laugh and freedom somewhere else while my sole happiness and peace are tied to his presence and heartbeat.

Ill

The surgery had left more than the laparoscopic scars.  To date, it still hurts even just to mention November. Please Allah, wash these shameless tears away.  Please Allah, bless us with unbending strength.  Please Allah, wipe those tormenting sins away.

The looming works upset me still.  The harder I tried to stand against its torment, the more unnerving it became.  Only the thoughts of it triggered pain at my left lower abdomen. I tried to use all channels I know.  Through the institution, through my own searching efforts, and through familial supports.  I could only pray for Allah to grant the best resolution.  Allah is the Best of Planners.

Two weeks might healed all physical scars.  But emotionally?  I am not yet sure.

Downside

I feel like the luckiest person in the world. I have a bright son who emenates lights wherever he goes. My husband loves us both readily, helps with chores and bears with my tantrums. Both our families loves our son and always there whenever we need them.

Some other times, I feel like I've failed at everything. At being a mother, a wife and a human. I hate it when I feel this depression crawling to me and engulf allthose good feelings I have in myself.

I don't know what to do. I am exhausted.

Another new life & love

When I hold him for the first time, I fall in love all over again. Cliche. But at that moment, all new kind of love poured forth from my heart to this little boy I just met. I literally apologized to my husband. I am sorry, I love you, but I love this guy too.

New life

Sometimes I was so tired I collapsed straight away without caring to cook. Some other times I forced myself and cook up anything that comes to mind. Some times I enjoyed the kitchen so much I cooked like a pro (really, Ayuni?..). Most of my times spent in the room reading novels, tidying up the room, sleeping like a log and marveling on the fact that I am a wife to the most wonderful person in the world. All in all, its a totally different life and I am still learning. I guess he is too.

Just before the said time

It has been a very long time since my last entry. Not only on this blog, but my suppose daily diary lagged behind as well.

All of the preparations for the wedding make me edgy. So badly. It puzzles me. Because I did not have this uneasy feeling since the beginning of it all. Which puzzled me as well. Because I used to think "why didn't I feel nervous at all?". It is kind of disturbing because this edginess comes only two weeks away from the said time. It seems like I owe an apology to Mama for being irritated at her urges to me to get everything done earlier. Hehe.. Sorry Mama..

On the other hand, I also do feel gaiety. After years of quest for love, I finally met him. The one that has been there all along. The happiness I feel seems too close to perfect it fades my worries away. It also irritated me because the said man seems to not feel like it. I guess the gaiety of being married must not be shown in public. Typical machismo. But, whatever. My happiness is at the highest degree one could possibly imagine. Nothing could touch it. All praise to Allah.

Eldest

A chaotic plan would be an understatement of last Saturday's event. As Abah and Mama succumbed to our elders' 'proper' plan (as they termed it), I gave in. At that point of time I guessed, being the eldest of their grandchildren had certainly brought more disadvantages than privileges.

Nevertheless, his family has been kind enough to bear with the inconveniences and I am thoroughly grateful to them. My aunts and uncles lended their hands until the end of the ceremony and I just cant be thankful enough. All in all, I was overcome with a mixture of relief and gratitude.

Update

Despite all my complaints about having to travel back and forth to attend friends' weddings and fulfill 'promises', I have to admit I did enjoy their company. It is almost hurting to think of how much I would miss all the fun of exchanging gossips and banters. So, for now, I am going to enjoy all the best things life has to offer. I have a bad feeling that once I start to work, I am going to find it hard to look at this time of my life and try not to sigh.

12+10 red roses

wondering how can 12+10 red roses make a person so happy beyond words..

"The written word is unforgiving. An so it should be. Unlike the spoken, it contains no inherent inflection. It allows neither for the fragmented, nor the fracture. It allows not for broken boozy whispers. It allows for slang, but only sparingly. It allows for patois, parsimoniously...But the problems of poor grammar, of stylessness, go beyond the mere aesthetic. It is more than just about looking and sounding right. It isn't about being superior, or pretentious, or pedantic. It is about meaning. Plain and simple. For that is its primary function. To be perspicuous. To take a string of ambiguous markings and give them sense and significance."

(Umapagan Ampikaipakan, When missing 'u' is not something to LOL about)

To know and to feel flattered

Knowing something I should not is a terrible feeling. I could not deny that I was flattered. But I am guilty on both charges. For knowing and for being flattered.
It was another episode of guilty pleasure all over again. (sigh).

Plan by the Best of Planners

Presently, my life is still rotating on its axis.  Thank Allah for that.  And, although boredom has been a friend of mine for a while, unemployment is not exactly at the centre of my worries.  There are many other things fill my thoughts.  

First, there is Aisyah and her focus on education to be mended.  I am so worried of her studies I found myself planning for intensive tuition for her like an old nagging schoolteacher.  But seriously, her focus does need some mending allright.

Then, somewhere in Putrajaya, my dysfunctioning cellphone has to be replaced.  I hate it so much for shutting me from my friends, I feel like throwing it over the sea.  However, thanks a lot to Makcik Wawa, I am still connected to the world via Facebook.

Thirdly, my baju raya and kasut raya for this year are Nadia's and Mama's sponsorship.  Even though unemployment does not worry me, it does have an impact on this year's Raya celebration for me. (LOL)

Fourth, Atuk's illness is on my mind for sometime now.  For a crazy moment I imagined him as an old man with history of diabetes mellitus and hypertension presented at my clinic with pus-filled blister.  Noncompliant to his medications, this man refuse to be referred to the hospital.  If this man is my patient, I would say that it is totally his choice.  But he is my grandfather who I love dearly as nearly much as I love my parents.  It is my choice too.  And the silliest and stupidest fact is that it should be on everybody's mind because it is everybody's choice too.  Why don't they worried about his health problems as much as I do?  They love him as much as I do, don't they?

Fifth, somebody budged me on YM a few hours ago, requesting for my research paper.  I hate people who rely on others' effort so much that they keep bothering others with their insensitive requests.  I am totally OK with helping in the form of giving opinion or something like that.  But who they think they are to critique on my unemployment, copy my papers and get away with it?

Nearly every inquiry about my unemployment ended in one single fact.  I am left behind by the establishment.  My contemporaries who received scholarships from the same establishment are already working.  It is irritating.  They claimed that they are lacking of nurses.  But it looks like the establishment does not give a damn, does it?  So what if they have to import some foreign nurses who can't speak our mothertongue?  The other establishment who claimed to ensure nurses' welfare probably are cheering to know that their degree nurses are unemployed and embracing the presence of these foreign nurses.

Come to think of it, unemployment does affect me.  If I have a job right now, I would not be thinking about my sister's Mathematic lessons, my broken cellphone, Hari Raya celebration, my grandfather's blisters, my undergraduate research paper and the establishment's ignorance.  I will have to live with these facts for sometime.  It must be another episode of my life that is planned for me by Allah, the Best of Planners.