Diamonds or coals

Have I got everything I want? No, I haven't.
I feel so tired. I have climb all the way to a mountain top and come back down with my back loaded with coals.
Where have all the diamonds gone? Did I left them on the way? Or did I forgot to bring it all with me?
My face and hands are smeared with coal. My whole body screams with pain and exhaustion.
Was it worth it? Is this what's left of me? Had all of the effort gone wasted?
Should I climb back and search for what I've lost along the way? Can I make it for the second time? Do I still have the energy?
...Why didn't I be meticulous at the first place?...

The battle of mind, matters and time

All of the burdens, confusions and nuisances of my days are buzzing in this brain of mine. Sometimes it feels like there is too little space to fit all the vital matters in. Sometimes it seems that the space is too vast and wasted considering how little and unimportant the matters that seem to be seriously pondered by me.

The time moves so swiftly, all I can see is blurry images of people, things and events of passing days. I must be fast, I know. Yet, the harder I tried, the slower I felt I become.

Tomorrow will be better than today

After a few days of abandoning diary-writing and planner-filling, I feel like my life was moving on a speedy wheel with a broken brake system. It spun wildly and dangerously, I was unable to hold on the most important thing I need to do each day. Obviously, I need to take some serious corrective action.

And just now, I was writing my resume and application letter for hospitals I was hoping I can work in. I realized that I have to stress on my strength on a few subjects and field of interest. So, I sifted through my result slips. Then, I felt like crying. Ah alas, how much I regret all the times wasted on unimportant matters and unrealistic dreams.

Still, life has to go on. And I shall try, with all my might, to fill it with flying colours. I had done it before. I should be able to relive the glory. This is my only chance. Please Allah The Almighty..Please help me..

The chaos of research project

In the midst of the hectic that is happening in my life right now, with my perplexing love life conundrum, with the looming final exam and Nursing Board licensing exam, with my parents' midlife conjugal quandary, I am wraggling in the stage of data collection of my research project.

Now, my research project is the best assignment I've ever undertook in these 4 years as a student nurse. Probably the most interesting academic activity I experienced in this life. So, I am doing the best I can, to make sure that this research project is a success.

As I have expected, success does not come easily. In two days of data collection, I did not only manage to evaluate the critically ill patients' level of pain, but also the types of nurses working in the critical care area.

According to my observation and highly biased personal opinion, there are 3 types of nurses. The first type is the optimistic, most motivated and dedicated nurses. They are the best. They are doing everything in their capacity to provide skillful care to the patients. They probably the few ones who had the ambition to be a nurse when they were in school. They have positive attitudes towards education and improvement in patients' care. They help everyone who share their dedication to provide therapeutic care to the patients.

The second type is the neutral ones. They may or may not be skillful nurses. They provide care, allright. But, they probably do it just because they have to. They need the job (and the pay, of course) and they are doing the best they can to stay in it. They might or might not interested in education. They'll help people as long as their comfort zone is not breached.

The third type is the worst, the pessimistic nurses. They have no interest to stay in nursing profession. They are nasty to people no matter they are patients, or doctors, or peers, or laypersons. They are better off to be doing something else instead of staying in nursing and continue to stain the noble reputation of nursing profession.

In this life of student nurse, thank God, there are about 85 percent of the first type of nurses. What makes this life of a student nurse is so difficult and miserable is the other 15 percent comprises of the other 2 types of nurses. And during this research project data collection, the miserable encounter with these types of nurses is almost unbearable. It is killing my self-esteem, my pride and my spirit. These nurses are cynical, sceptical and pain-in-the-ass individuals who do not see the importance of therapeutic communication. They do not even know how to be nice.

Nevertheless, I will not give up. These obstacles and impediments will just keep my self-esteem, my pride and my spirit buoyed up high above the water. I will not lose my head and drowned under. Insha' Allah.

If

I wish i could run all the way to the end of the world and dump my agony away.
Well, dream on Ayuni. That's not gonna happen.
But the pain in my chest is so great i could barely breathe.
If only i could reverse time like Hiro Nakamura did, i would have come clean.
Yet, 'if' is a very cruel word..

Run!

To survive in this world, we hold close to us those on whom we depend. We trust in them our hopes, our fears...
But what happens when trust is lost? Where do we run, when things we believe in vanish before our eyes? When all seems lost, the future unknowable, our very existence in peril... All we can do is run.

Heroes, Run! Mohinder Suresh

Dual

There is good and there is evil. Right and wrong. Heroes and villains. And if we're blessed with wisdom, then there are glimpses between the cracks of each where light streams through. We wait in silence for these times when sense can be made, when meaningless existence comes into focus, and our purpose presents itself. And if we have the strength to be honest, then what we find there, staring back at us, is our own reflection, bearing witness to the duality of life. And each one of us is capable of both the dark and the light, of good and evil, of either, of all. And destiny, while marching ever in our direction, can be rerouted by the choices we make. By the love we hold onto, and the promises we keep..

Hereos, Dual, Mohinder Suresh