The 'Pb' of guilty pleasure

1. Guilt (of course...)
2. Hate on oneself secondary to 1.
3. Entire day drive
4. Cravings, or worse, addiction
5. Tiring
6. Scratch on purity (TRO 'Inadvertent')
7. A cost of RM 150
8. Possibility of loss of interest

Nervous? Anxious? Or just compulsively fidgeting?

March is approaching. As March starts, my life will be a race against time. Research progress presentation, Health Management assignments submission, Diabetic Foot Management case study presentation, Research data analysis, etc. etc. And lets not forget, the job hunting season is not over yet.

My room will once again become stuffy and scattered with books, papers and stuffs. My laptop will be overused and overloaded. My meals will be forgotten (or not~haha~stress will aggravate hunger, Ayuni~). Novels will have to be put aside.

My mood will become labile and I will get easily grumpy at times. This is a warning. Hence, dear friends, I am so sorry if I hurt anyone of you unnecessarily.

Mama and Abah, you are both in my mind always, and no matter how seldom we talk, the spirit you both have put in me will be kindled forever.

Last but absolutely not the least, my love, I hope you'll understand my swings of emotion. But then, you always do. You have been so understanding for the past decade of our lives.

Ya Allah Ya Nasir, please help me through this chaotic finality of my undergrad study...Please help me, help me, help me...

Tomorrow will be better than today

After a few days of abandoning diary-writing and planner-filling, I feel like my life was moving on a speedy wheel with a broken brake system. It spun wildly and dangerously, I was unable to hold on the most important thing I need to do each day. Obviously, I need to take some serious corrective action.

And just now, I was writing my resume and application letter for hospitals I was hoping I can work in. I realized that I have to stress on my strength on a few subjects and field of interest. So, I sifted through my result slips. Then, I felt like crying. Ah alas, how much I regret all the times wasted on unimportant matters and unrealistic dreams.

Still, life has to go on. And I shall try, with all my might, to fill it with flying colours. I had done it before. I should be able to relive the glory. This is my only chance. Please Allah The Almighty..Please help me..

"By the River Piedra I sat down and wept. There is a legend that everything that falls into the waters of this river - leaves, insects, the feathers of birds - is transformed into the rocks that make the riverbed. If only I could tear out my heart and hurl it into the current, then my pain and longing would be over, and I could finally forget.

By the River Piedra I sat down and wept. The winter air chills the tears on my cheeks, and my tears fall into the cold waters that course past me. Somewhere, this river joins another, then another, until - far from my heart and sight - all of them merge with the sea.

May my tears run just far, that my love might never know that one day I cried for him. May my tears run just as far, that I might forget the River Piedra, ...

All love stories are the same."

(Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I sat down and wept)

After all of these times, these sentences still able to make me sigh...very deeply...

The rain and the river

My love for him flows like a creek from deep mountain into a river and flows forth into the sea. Sometimes it flows slowly, gently and affectionately through. Sometimes it tumultuously streaming full of passion and yearning.

Once, there was a dam in the river. It kept my love from pouring forth. Nonetheless, it failed to hold. The turbulence was so strong and had smashed the dam into pieces. Next thing I knew, all the feelings I've been suppressing, bottled-up inside me surge out. He welcomed it gratefully and lovingly. I had never knew of how much love that I've been containing inside all this while until last night. But I know he, too, was surprised by the intensity of the infatuation.

His love is like the rain. It cools the heated earth. It moistened and dampened the dry land. It rejuvenates the trees. It waters the river. It is loyal. It gives hope. It is reviving. It is
calming. It brings and renews hope. It inspires faith.
I love him. And he loves me. It is all that matters.

"The real courage is in living and suffering for what you believe."

(Christopher Paolini, Eragon)

The chaos of research project

In the midst of the hectic that is happening in my life right now, with my perplexing love life conundrum, with the looming final exam and Nursing Board licensing exam, with my parents' midlife conjugal quandary, I am wraggling in the stage of data collection of my research project.

Now, my research project is the best assignment I've ever undertook in these 4 years as a student nurse. Probably the most interesting academic activity I experienced in this life. So, I am doing the best I can, to make sure that this research project is a success.

As I have expected, success does not come easily. In two days of data collection, I did not only manage to evaluate the critically ill patients' level of pain, but also the types of nurses working in the critical care area.

According to my observation and highly biased personal opinion, there are 3 types of nurses. The first type is the optimistic, most motivated and dedicated nurses. They are the best. They are doing everything in their capacity to provide skillful care to the patients. They probably the few ones who had the ambition to be a nurse when they were in school. They have positive attitudes towards education and improvement in patients' care. They help everyone who share their dedication to provide therapeutic care to the patients.

The second type is the neutral ones. They may or may not be skillful nurses. They provide care, allright. But, they probably do it just because they have to. They need the job (and the pay, of course) and they are doing the best they can to stay in it. They might or might not interested in education. They'll help people as long as their comfort zone is not breached.

The third type is the worst, the pessimistic nurses. They have no interest to stay in nursing profession. They are nasty to people no matter they are patients, or doctors, or peers, or laypersons. They are better off to be doing something else instead of staying in nursing and continue to stain the noble reputation of nursing profession.

In this life of student nurse, thank God, there are about 85 percent of the first type of nurses. What makes this life of a student nurse is so difficult and miserable is the other 15 percent comprises of the other 2 types of nurses. And during this research project data collection, the miserable encounter with these types of nurses is almost unbearable. It is killing my self-esteem, my pride and my spirit. These nurses are cynical, sceptical and pain-in-the-ass individuals who do not see the importance of therapeutic communication. They do not even know how to be nice.

Nevertheless, I will not give up. These obstacles and impediments will just keep my self-esteem, my pride and my spirit buoyed up high above the water. I will not lose my head and drowned under. Insha' Allah.

Painful fact of life

I thought the worst has hit me while I'm not watching. I thought wrong. The worst still hit me while I'm watching and ready for it. The pain hurts even more.

Why, on earth, do people tend to make things difficult than it already is for other people? Why cant they see that God will make things so much easier for them when they make things easier for other people?

May Allah bless them who are responsible for this pain. And bless them with a shower of Your Hidayah, Ya Allah, so that they'll see the joy of relieving others' distress..

He is listening

The proof was shown on the spot. No delay. Live feed, mind you.
Subhan Allah. Glorified is Allah.
Indeed, Allah listens to one who praises Him O! Our Lord! All praises be to You.