Thankuformakingmefeellikeabitchasthoughihadntrealizethatiambecomingapainineverybodysasses.

How could I?

I havent finished mourning my stupidity, then i received a call from my husband saying that he couldnt be home this week. Home? We have no home. I had just texted him yesterday , that it has been 86 days since we last became a complete and whole as a family. Since we can call ourselves a family at home.
I cried again. This time it is because of my dysfunctional family. How could i deprived my children off their mother and father. How could i put my husband through all these nonsense. If enrolling this master programe is the right thing to do, why does it feels so wrong?
Then all the 'if's start to pour in.
If only they let me continue working in icu instead of shuffling me to that bloody medical ward.
If only i had all the money in the world.
If only i pushed away the thought of becoming a nurse specialist.
If only i have not come across the term 'gentle parenting'.
If only i have not been so..... me.
I feel the weight of my sins at my back. I feel so ungrateful. I hate myself more and more. If a cruel word indeed.
I continue crying.
I dont know when i will stop.
It will have to stop eventually.
Because i have loads of assignments to do.
Because i will reach my children in a couple of hours.
Because i have Allah to listen to my wails even though i am not sure if i am worthy enough to be consorted by Him.
All i need to know is He is there. No matter what.