Update

Despite all my complaints about having to travel back and forth to attend friends' weddings and fulfill 'promises', I have to admit I did enjoy their company. It is almost hurting to think of how much I would miss all the fun of exchanging gossips and banters. So, for now, I am going to enjoy all the best things life has to offer. I have a bad feeling that once I start to work, I am going to find it hard to look at this time of my life and try not to sigh.

12+10 red roses

wondering how can 12+10 red roses make a person so happy beyond words..

"The written word is unforgiving. An so it should be. Unlike the spoken, it contains no inherent inflection. It allows neither for the fragmented, nor the fracture. It allows not for broken boozy whispers. It allows for slang, but only sparingly. It allows for patois, parsimoniously...But the problems of poor grammar, of stylessness, go beyond the mere aesthetic. It is more than just about looking and sounding right. It isn't about being superior, or pretentious, or pedantic. It is about meaning. Plain and simple. For that is its primary function. To be perspicuous. To take a string of ambiguous markings and give them sense and significance."

(Umapagan Ampikaipakan, When missing 'u' is not something to LOL about)

To know and to feel flattered

Knowing something I should not is a terrible feeling. I could not deny that I was flattered. But I am guilty on both charges. For knowing and for being flattered.
It was another episode of guilty pleasure all over again. (sigh).

Plan by the Best of Planners

Presently, my life is still rotating on its axis.  Thank Allah for that.  And, although boredom has been a friend of mine for a while, unemployment is not exactly at the centre of my worries.  There are many other things fill my thoughts.  

First, there is Aisyah and her focus on education to be mended.  I am so worried of her studies I found myself planning for intensive tuition for her like an old nagging schoolteacher.  But seriously, her focus does need some mending allright.

Then, somewhere in Putrajaya, my dysfunctioning cellphone has to be replaced.  I hate it so much for shutting me from my friends, I feel like throwing it over the sea.  However, thanks a lot to Makcik Wawa, I am still connected to the world via Facebook.

Thirdly, my baju raya and kasut raya for this year are Nadia's and Mama's sponsorship.  Even though unemployment does not worry me, it does have an impact on this year's Raya celebration for me. (LOL)

Fourth, Atuk's illness is on my mind for sometime now.  For a crazy moment I imagined him as an old man with history of diabetes mellitus and hypertension presented at my clinic with pus-filled blister.  Noncompliant to his medications, this man refuse to be referred to the hospital.  If this man is my patient, I would say that it is totally his choice.  But he is my grandfather who I love dearly as nearly much as I love my parents.  It is my choice too.  And the silliest and stupidest fact is that it should be on everybody's mind because it is everybody's choice too.  Why don't they worried about his health problems as much as I do?  They love him as much as I do, don't they?

Fifth, somebody budged me on YM a few hours ago, requesting for my research paper.  I hate people who rely on others' effort so much that they keep bothering others with their insensitive requests.  I am totally OK with helping in the form of giving opinion or something like that.  But who they think they are to critique on my unemployment, copy my papers and get away with it?

Nearly every inquiry about my unemployment ended in one single fact.  I am left behind by the establishment.  My contemporaries who received scholarships from the same establishment are already working.  It is irritating.  They claimed that they are lacking of nurses.  But it looks like the establishment does not give a damn, does it?  So what if they have to import some foreign nurses who can't speak our mothertongue?  The other establishment who claimed to ensure nurses' welfare probably are cheering to know that their degree nurses are unemployed and embracing the presence of these foreign nurses.

Come to think of it, unemployment does affect me.  If I have a job right now, I would not be thinking about my sister's Mathematic lessons, my broken cellphone, Hari Raya celebration, my grandfather's blisters, my undergraduate research paper and the establishment's ignorance.  I will have to live with these facts for sometime.  It must be another episode of my life that is planned for me by Allah, the Best of Planners.

ferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdausferdaus and counting...

Cruise to nowhere

While focusing on a very clear course in the path of choosing my future career, restlessness and ambiguity gripped on my sense of direction and time. Yet, I am determine not to lose the pride and joy of being on this voyage of life. There are 2 weeks of Ramadhan still to be treasured. Then, Syawal will bring blissful company of family and friends who are always ready to give all of their hearts out. Alhamdulillah a gazillion times indeed!

Straight Through My Heart

In the heart
Of the night
Where it's dark
In the lights
I heard the loudest noise
A gunshot on the floor

I looked down
And my shirts turning red
I’m spinning around
Felt her lips on my neck
And her voice in my ear
Like I missed you
want you tonight

Straight through my heart
A single bullet got me
I can’t stop the bleeding
Straight through my heart
She aimed and she shot me
I just can’t believe it
No I can't resist
And I can't be hit
I just can't escape this love
Straight through my heart
Soldier down(my heart)
Soldier down(my heart)

Thought I moved
More than on
Thought I could
Fool her charm
I really wanna go
But I can't leave her alone

Hear the sound
Of a love so loud
I just can’t, I just can’t
Ignore this feeling
Said she misses me
And she wants me
Wants me tonight

Straight through my heart
A single bullet got me
I can’t stop the bleeding
Straight through my heart
She aimed and she shot me
I just can’t believe it
No I can't resist
And I can't be hit
I just can't escape this love
Straight through my heart
Soldier down(my heart)
Soldier down(my heart)

In the heart
Of the night
When it's dark
In the lights
I heard the loudest noise
A gunshot on the floor

Straight through my heart
A single bullet got me
I can’t stop the bleeding
Straight through my heart
She aimed and she shot me
I just can’t believe it
No I can't resist
And I can't be hit
I just can't escape this love
Straight through my heart
Soldier down(my heart)
Soldier down(my heart)

Straight through my heart
Soldier down(my heart)
Soldïer down(my heart)

by Backstreet Boys

Another episode of guilty pleasure

I dont really know what it is about him that caught me off guard like this. Guilt sweeps over me. Part of me wants to pull away. Another part of me wants him so bad.
I know I have to pull away to put a stop to this guilty pleasure. If both of us need this love to be true, (I mean, really, really true) we both need to have a grip on ourselves.

Budge

I have completed everything. But why do something is still budging at the back of my mind? I hope it's the licensing exam. Because it should be the only thing that is in my mind right now. Not anything else.

Friends Never Say Goodbye

There isn't much I haven't shared with you along the road
And through it all there'd always be tomorrow's episode
Suddenly that isn't true
There's another avenue
Beckoning the great divide
Ask no questions, take no side
Who's to say who's right or wrong, whose course is braver run
Still we are, have always been, will ever be as one
What is done has been done for the best
Though the mist in my eyes might suggest
Just a little confusion about what I'll lose
But if I started over I know I would choose
The same joy, the same sadness each step of the way
That fought me and taught me that friends never say
Never say goodbye
Never say goodbye
Never say goodbye
Never say goodbye
Suddenly that isn't true
There's another avenue
Beckoning, the great divide
I would choose
The same joy, the same sadness each step of the way
That fought me and taught me that friends never say
Never say goodbye
Never say goodbye
Never say goodbye
Never say goodbye

by Elton John ft. Backstreet Boys

Acknowledgement (who's in, who's not)

Alhamdulillah for thousands of times, indeed, because I would never have able to complete this thesis project if not because of Allah. There is no other than Allah that keeps my faith and will to light on until the very end.
There is no word grateful enough to express my appreciation to my family for being the sentinels, the inspiration, the courage, the spirits, the reason for me to brave this path of knowledge and life. Without them, I would never have learned how to grow, to walk, to read and write. They are my safest place to hide, full of blessings, prayers and love.
A tremendous gratitude goes to my supervisor, Br. Mohd. Said Nurumal. His precious, priceless advice and help are treasured in this thesis project. My gratitude extends to The Dean of Kulliyyah of Nursing, Prof. Dr. Kamaruzzaman Wan Su, the research coordinator, Asst. Prof. Dr. Laith Issa Yassin AlAraji, the biostatistician, Assoc. Prof. Dr. Jamalludin Ab. Rahman, my co-supervisor, Sr. Sanisah Saidi, my lecturers, Assoc. Prof. Dr. Aishah Ali, Sr. Rubbya Hassan, Sr. Wan Hasliza Wan Mamat, and other Kulliyyah of Nursing lecturers, clinical instructors and administrative staffs. A lot of thanks also intended for nurses, physicians and staffs of Clinical Research Centre, Intensive Care Unit, Cardiac Care Unit and High Dependency Ward of Hospital Tengku Ampuan Afzan (HTAA).
These four years of grace would never be more blissful without friends to lean on along the way. The joy, fun, tears, love, disputes, winnings and loss my friends have brought into my life draw a momentous chapter of my lifetime story. The comfort and support they give will be cherished forever.
(Ultimately, my appreciation is for someone whose love is like the river. Loyal and caring. Always there and understanding. Patient and loving. Supportive and lively. I couldn't have asked for more from him. Thank you, my love).

End, middle and beginning

It feels like my life stops rotating in a sudden. I am at lost of words to describe the events. The thesis has been submitted. The clinical posting is almost over. The exam result has been posted. The annual graduation dinner has passed. The resume has been sent.
It feels like I am stranded in a middle of a road. I have nowhere to go. Waiting for something, that I am not sure what. It feels like waiting, indeed. For a termination. For a new life. For a new adventure. For a new beginning.

Pain

I am doing good in managing the pain so far. But at this rate, I need to keep reminding myself that the pain is not over yet.

Perfection

how can a man be so perfect yet looked perfectly normal at the same time?...

Details

My brain is buzzing with details. My heart is trying to stifle boredom. How can there be so much details in 1-credit subject?
The details continue to stomp on my patience. Like the crumpled cover of my favourite novel. Like the impulsive hair-picking habit.
Curb the anger.
Curb the hostility.
Curb the boredom.
I can't wait to get home.

Rays of sunshine

I found out that there's a lot of reason to keep on smiling. Even on the darkest day. Even if you have a lot of hateful things to do. (such as faking your own self for NUR 4213 subject). You just need to turn it around and try to enjoy the stupid and insensible things they are forcing you to do. Somehow, you just have to look out and try to see that there's always rays of sunshine peeking through the tree leaves.

Diamonds or coals

Have I got everything I want? No, I haven't.
I feel so tired. I have climb all the way to a mountain top and come back down with my back loaded with coals.
Where have all the diamonds gone? Did I left them on the way? Or did I forgot to bring it all with me?
My face and hands are smeared with coal. My whole body screams with pain and exhaustion.
Was it worth it? Is this what's left of me? Had all of the effort gone wasted?
Should I climb back and search for what I've lost along the way? Can I make it for the second time? Do I still have the energy?
...Why didn't I be meticulous at the first place?...

The battle of mind, matters and time

All of the burdens, confusions and nuisances of my days are buzzing in this brain of mine. Sometimes it feels like there is too little space to fit all the vital matters in. Sometimes it seems that the space is too vast and wasted considering how little and unimportant the matters that seem to be seriously pondered by me.

The time moves so swiftly, all I can see is blurry images of people, things and events of passing days. I must be fast, I know. Yet, the harder I tried, the slower I felt I become.

"She wondered what he knew, what he sensed in her. Think you're good-lookin'? Rose did not know if she was good-looking, though there were days, like today, when she was pleased enough. Recently she had applied for a passport and surprised herself by not knowing what to write on the form. Her hair was ordinary brown, but how to describe the mucky nothing of her eyes. Blueish-grey with gold flecks? A few green bits?

'What colour', she said to William, 'are my eyes?'"

(Anne Enright, What are you like?)

The 'Pb' of guilty pleasure

1. Guilt (of course...)
2. Hate on oneself secondary to 1.
3. Entire day drive
4. Cravings, or worse, addiction
5. Tiring
6. Scratch on purity (TRO 'Inadvertent')
7. A cost of RM 150
8. Possibility of loss of interest

Nervous? Anxious? Or just compulsively fidgeting?

March is approaching. As March starts, my life will be a race against time. Research progress presentation, Health Management assignments submission, Diabetic Foot Management case study presentation, Research data analysis, etc. etc. And lets not forget, the job hunting season is not over yet.

My room will once again become stuffy and scattered with books, papers and stuffs. My laptop will be overused and overloaded. My meals will be forgotten (or not~haha~stress will aggravate hunger, Ayuni~). Novels will have to be put aside.

My mood will become labile and I will get easily grumpy at times. This is a warning. Hence, dear friends, I am so sorry if I hurt anyone of you unnecessarily.

Mama and Abah, you are both in my mind always, and no matter how seldom we talk, the spirit you both have put in me will be kindled forever.

Last but absolutely not the least, my love, I hope you'll understand my swings of emotion. But then, you always do. You have been so understanding for the past decade of our lives.

Ya Allah Ya Nasir, please help me through this chaotic finality of my undergrad study...Please help me, help me, help me...

Tomorrow will be better than today

After a few days of abandoning diary-writing and planner-filling, I feel like my life was moving on a speedy wheel with a broken brake system. It spun wildly and dangerously, I was unable to hold on the most important thing I need to do each day. Obviously, I need to take some serious corrective action.

And just now, I was writing my resume and application letter for hospitals I was hoping I can work in. I realized that I have to stress on my strength on a few subjects and field of interest. So, I sifted through my result slips. Then, I felt like crying. Ah alas, how much I regret all the times wasted on unimportant matters and unrealistic dreams.

Still, life has to go on. And I shall try, with all my might, to fill it with flying colours. I had done it before. I should be able to relive the glory. This is my only chance. Please Allah The Almighty..Please help me..

"By the River Piedra I sat down and wept. There is a legend that everything that falls into the waters of this river - leaves, insects, the feathers of birds - is transformed into the rocks that make the riverbed. If only I could tear out my heart and hurl it into the current, then my pain and longing would be over, and I could finally forget.

By the River Piedra I sat down and wept. The winter air chills the tears on my cheeks, and my tears fall into the cold waters that course past me. Somewhere, this river joins another, then another, until - far from my heart and sight - all of them merge with the sea.

May my tears run just far, that my love might never know that one day I cried for him. May my tears run just as far, that I might forget the River Piedra, ...

All love stories are the same."

(Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I sat down and wept)

After all of these times, these sentences still able to make me sigh...very deeply...

The rain and the river

My love for him flows like a creek from deep mountain into a river and flows forth into the sea. Sometimes it flows slowly, gently and affectionately through. Sometimes it tumultuously streaming full of passion and yearning.

Once, there was a dam in the river. It kept my love from pouring forth. Nonetheless, it failed to hold. The turbulence was so strong and had smashed the dam into pieces. Next thing I knew, all the feelings I've been suppressing, bottled-up inside me surge out. He welcomed it gratefully and lovingly. I had never knew of how much love that I've been containing inside all this while until last night. But I know he, too, was surprised by the intensity of the infatuation.

His love is like the rain. It cools the heated earth. It moistened and dampened the dry land. It rejuvenates the trees. It waters the river. It is loyal. It gives hope. It is reviving. It is
calming. It brings and renews hope. It inspires faith.
I love him. And he loves me. It is all that matters.

"The real courage is in living and suffering for what you believe."

(Christopher Paolini, Eragon)

The chaos of research project

In the midst of the hectic that is happening in my life right now, with my perplexing love life conundrum, with the looming final exam and Nursing Board licensing exam, with my parents' midlife conjugal quandary, I am wraggling in the stage of data collection of my research project.

Now, my research project is the best assignment I've ever undertook in these 4 years as a student nurse. Probably the most interesting academic activity I experienced in this life. So, I am doing the best I can, to make sure that this research project is a success.

As I have expected, success does not come easily. In two days of data collection, I did not only manage to evaluate the critically ill patients' level of pain, but also the types of nurses working in the critical care area.

According to my observation and highly biased personal opinion, there are 3 types of nurses. The first type is the optimistic, most motivated and dedicated nurses. They are the best. They are doing everything in their capacity to provide skillful care to the patients. They probably the few ones who had the ambition to be a nurse when they were in school. They have positive attitudes towards education and improvement in patients' care. They help everyone who share their dedication to provide therapeutic care to the patients.

The second type is the neutral ones. They may or may not be skillful nurses. They provide care, allright. But, they probably do it just because they have to. They need the job (and the pay, of course) and they are doing the best they can to stay in it. They might or might not interested in education. They'll help people as long as their comfort zone is not breached.

The third type is the worst, the pessimistic nurses. They have no interest to stay in nursing profession. They are nasty to people no matter they are patients, or doctors, or peers, or laypersons. They are better off to be doing something else instead of staying in nursing and continue to stain the noble reputation of nursing profession.

In this life of student nurse, thank God, there are about 85 percent of the first type of nurses. What makes this life of a student nurse is so difficult and miserable is the other 15 percent comprises of the other 2 types of nurses. And during this research project data collection, the miserable encounter with these types of nurses is almost unbearable. It is killing my self-esteem, my pride and my spirit. These nurses are cynical, sceptical and pain-in-the-ass individuals who do not see the importance of therapeutic communication. They do not even know how to be nice.

Nevertheless, I will not give up. These obstacles and impediments will just keep my self-esteem, my pride and my spirit buoyed up high above the water. I will not lose my head and drowned under. Insha' Allah.

Painful fact of life

I thought the worst has hit me while I'm not watching. I thought wrong. The worst still hit me while I'm watching and ready for it. The pain hurts even more.

Why, on earth, do people tend to make things difficult than it already is for other people? Why cant they see that God will make things so much easier for them when they make things easier for other people?

May Allah bless them who are responsible for this pain. And bless them with a shower of Your Hidayah, Ya Allah, so that they'll see the joy of relieving others' distress..

He is listening

The proof was shown on the spot. No delay. Live feed, mind you.
Subhan Allah. Glorified is Allah.
Indeed, Allah listens to one who praises Him O! Our Lord! All praises be to You.

why do i love the sea?

because the sea reminds me of the Greatness of the Great Creator. the vastness of the sea makes me feel so small, minuscule.

looking at the sea can be calming and disturbing at the sametime. at times, the sea can be mystifying. other times, it can be cheering.

just by looking out at the sea, my heart wants to sing. my heart wants to write a poem. my heart wants to scream. my heart wants to weep.

i love the sea. i love the furiousness of the waves. i love the mysterious sight of the deep sea. i love the feeling of the breeze on my skin. i love the reflection of the moon on the water. i love the sight of the rising sun beyond the horizon.

i simply love the sea.

picture by Laurel Gaylord

Making the right choice

I am so confused. So confused. I dont know which path should I take. I dont want to make the wrong choice. I dont want another heartbreak. I cant stand another stroke of pain. I am not sure I can be whole if I fall again.

Ya Allah, please help this pathetic servant of Yours..

Reunion of 11th Generation of SMAKJ

friendship never ends...
(*tired from trying to upload the photos~~)

If

I wish i could run all the way to the end of the world and dump my agony away.
Well, dream on Ayuni. That's not gonna happen.
But the pain in my chest is so great i could barely breathe.
If only i could reverse time like Hiro Nakamura did, i would have come clean.
Yet, 'if' is a very cruel word..

Wake-up call

from http://latuff2.deviantart.com/

End of bitterness

Amazing how forgiveness works isnt it?
I'm happy, sad, relieved at the same time..

Light On

Never really said too much

Afraid it wouldn’t be enough

Just try to keep my spirits up

When there’s no point in grieving

Doesn’t matter anyway

Words could never make me stay

Words will never take my place

When you know I’m leaving

Try to leave a light on when I’m gone

Something I rely on to get home

One I can feel at night

A naked light, a fire to keep me warm

Try to leave a light on when I’m gone

Even in the daylight, shine on

And when it’s late at night you can look inside

You won’t feel so alone

You know we’ve been down that road

What seems a thousand times before

My back to a closing door and my eyes to the seasons

That roll out underneath my heels

And you don’t know how bad it feels

To leave the only one that I have ever believed in

Try to leave a light on when I’m gone

Something I rely on to get home

One I can feel at night

A naked light, a fire to keep me warm

Try to leave a light on when I’m gone

Even in the daylight, shine on

And when it’s late at night you can look inside

You won’t feel so alone

Sometimes it feels like we’ve run out of luck

When the signal keeps on breaking up

When the wires cross in my brain

You’ll start my heart again

When I come along

Try to leave a light on when I’m gone

Something I rely on to get home

One I can feel at night

A naked light, a fire to keep me warm

Try to leave a light on when I’m gone

Even in the daylight, shine on

And when it’s late at night you can look inside

You won’t feel so alone

David Cook

Post-research project proposal presentation

Run!

To survive in this world, we hold close to us those on whom we depend. We trust in them our hopes, our fears...
But what happens when trust is lost? Where do we run, when things we believe in vanish before our eyes? When all seems lost, the future unknowable, our very existence in peril... All we can do is run.

Heroes, Run! Mohinder Suresh

Dual

There is good and there is evil. Right and wrong. Heroes and villains. And if we're blessed with wisdom, then there are glimpses between the cracks of each where light streams through. We wait in silence for these times when sense can be made, when meaningless existence comes into focus, and our purpose presents itself. And if we have the strength to be honest, then what we find there, staring back at us, is our own reflection, bearing witness to the duality of life. And each one of us is capable of both the dark and the light, of good and evil, of either, of all. And destiny, while marching ever in our direction, can be rerouted by the choices we make. By the love we hold onto, and the promises we keep..

Hereos, Dual, Mohinder Suresh

A bright light

I see a bright torch in front of me. It is not so far. Just a few paces away. And I am weary from a long, dark, lonely journey. I want to grasp the torch so much. It will be nice, no, it is necessary for me to have such a bright light in my journey. The presence of this bright light will prevent accidents such as fall. It can help me find the right way. I might pick a wrong lane. But walking with light is better than groping my way through the darkness ahead. Way much better.

My weary heart cheers at the sight of the bright light after a period of pitch-black darkness. I am so cold, I yearn the warmth of the torch.

I sit and weigh my options. I can grasp the torch without considering the torch might belong to someone else. Or the torch can be a trap or a dysfunctioning torch (haha..wtf..) which might blow up the moment i touch it. The younger, inexperienced, careless me may have took the torch without thinking any further. But no, I dont want to make that mistake anymore.

So I sit there thinking. Weighing the benefits and the risks. The torch will be a great help, i know. But if i take the torch and carry it with me through the journey, and the torch may dimmed and burned out before my journey ends. Even worse, it burns out when i need it the most during an adventurous part of my journey. It will be frustrating. The world will seem darker than it has been before. I may have been getting so used to the light or blinded by the bright light that later i forget how to find my way in the dark anymore.

I sigh. I feel like staying there. But what about my journey? I still have a long way to go. I want to see everything the world has to offer. And the bright light. It is a necessity. Or is it a luxury?

Ya Allah.. Alhamdulillah for the bright light. It is a nice sight after a tiring journey. But what do I have to do next?..