Lullaby

Everybody says it was good to have two children with two years between them. But nobody warns me that a two-and-half-years-old demands as much attention as a newborn.

The tantrums (the boys' and mine) are overwhelming. Its all enough to drive a sensible healthy human being to the end of his/her wits. So dont mention the impact of our mess to the sick. The guilt of making Abah sicker, in turn, overwhelms me. A lot.

There are ups and downs in this whole experience. Like they say, motherhood is like swimming and learning to swim at the same time. There are days where I drowned. There are days where I survived.

So I savoured all the little pieces of achievements. My patience is at a new record-breaking level. My love continues to bloom. My faith mends itself. Some days I do shine.

Although I convinced myself that I screw up most of the time, there was one particular moment when I knew that I must have done something right. All morning my eldest son managed to keep his pants dry. It was rainy and cold that afternoon so the temperature was good for snuggles. So snuggle we did. All three of us on the bed singing:

     Tepuk amai-amai belalang kupu-kupu
     Tepuk Anas/Firas pandai nanti malam upah susu
     Susu lemak manis santan kelapa muda
     Anas/Firas jangan nangis mama pergi kerja
     Bila dapat duit beli proton saga
     Boleh kita jalan ke kota Melaka

Since I was small I always thought this lullaby is a sad song. Proton saga and kota Melaka were supposed to bring happiness, but I only hear 'jangan nangis mama pergi kerja'. I saw everyone is happy while singing it, so i keep it to myself. Until that moment when i saw his eyes were red and glistening, I remembered the sadness I felt. He must have felt the same way I did. My heart cried too. Again. After all of these years. It proves that he is truly part of me. He understands. But he is only two years old. How could he understands such a complicated feeling. But he felt it anyway. My heart cried and cried. I know my heart will break when 'mama pergi kerja' time comes. And his too. How could I convinced myself that I had done something right only to screw it all up again. How could I? 

All in all, this is one of the many moments I wanted to put in writing. There are more to come. Hope this motherhood thing will let me write again.